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| Time: | 7:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  tired. |
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Closure......... if there is such a thing. I don't know if I believe it.
Now it's Addy vs. the World.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, March 25th, 2006
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| Time: | 10:57 am. |
| Mood: | tired. |
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Last night I travelled back in time two years
it was actually pretty fucking boring
it was a big downer of a day all around
but on the plus side the whole rent money being stolen at the boys' house was more or less sorted out
good thing yesterday is over.
highschool relationships are bullshit, and i am never living with anyone after that.
but today i'm optimistic
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
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| Time: | 12:32 pm. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. |
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Fuck another girl with my clothes on
and just got fucked over by my best friend...
personal relationships
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, February 25th, 2006
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Uhhh this is kind of spontaneous, I haven't been on this in a considerably long time. And it's not going to be that thrilling either. Um.. shit's been good. Goin to see rjd2 and aceyalone tonight, which I'm decently broke and excited for. Well, just saying hi to whoever it was who anonymously posted that they missed me.
peeace
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, November 25th, 2005
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| Time: | 8:05 pm. |
| Mood: |  cold. |
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In slaughtering brain cells and smothering time, achieving meaningless pleasure based on deceiving hopes, I have travelled back to the tormenting beginning.
guilt:
blameworthiness
contrition
crime
culpability
delinquency
dereliction
disgrace
dishonor
error
failing
fault
guiltiness
indiscretion
infamy
iniquity
lapse
liability
malefaction
malfeasance
malpractice
misbehavior
misconduct
misstep
offence
onus
peccability
penitence
regret
remorse
responsibility
self-condemnation
self-reproach
shame
sin
solecism
stigma
transgression
wickedness
wrong
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, October 1st, 2005
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Beautiful, clean, thirsty, painful, unsketchy hangovers gnawing at my skull. Ha.
Mama would be proud.
Fuck chemicals.
I genuinely cannot remember being that drunk since I was 13. And it was good fun.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
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I cannot say that I am unexcited about tomorrow. Lord doesn't even know why. I think this jump from UFA will honestly just make this year a fucking mental dance party. But who even knows. Summer was inconsistent, but everything has ended well. I am going to have to have to lay off the drugs. For serious. But with this attitude, things should be good. I have to go home now.
love for lovers
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, August 27th, 2005
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Yeah, so fuck. It has been awhile. It would be blurred and tedious to touch into much of the recent, especially given that most that I would, is not worth or appropriate enough to mention. There were some things I really wanted to elaborately write about, I wish I had but I didn't so bear with me. here is a summary for the unintelligent of, whatever, the past several weeks.
sex drugs work drugs sex work work drama work drama good times drugs realizations drugs sex drama drama changes sex potential happiness
Okay, so that made everything sound lame, but fuck, I'm sketchy and sleep-deprived not to mention starving and sitting alone in my boyfriend's house. I've sort of forgotten my place at the moment, but I'll be back don't worry./
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Saturday, June 25th, 2005
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Unicamp of Ontario
PO Box 91
Honeywood, ON
LON IHO
Bitches you better write me.
<3
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Your apologetic guilt, something of which such a situation was not even worthy, immediately paved way for some trust and affection. The click of communication in conversation, the fall together of pieces in between our two separate bodies: comfort and comprehension. Maybe it is true, and we have met on several previous occasions, but without memory, I can at least confirm your feeling as if we have. Only a couple of times have we truly spoken, and the words' ultimate significance demands no justifying answer, despite mutual bitterness and apathy, however more or less on my end. But nonetheless, there flows instant chemistry, a much needed friendship in bloom if nothing more. Attraction of a most natural sort. At the very least, the first, immediate, hopeful replacement to my mind's distractions.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Sometimes the most miniscule things that would, in a world that lived by simple, constant formulaic stereotypes, normally bother you, can somehow make you feel a little better. Or perhaps when these things are accompanied by ridiculously soothing music and optimism as an effect of desperate motivation to hold onto some conrol and sanity, they cheer you up. Lately I've been absolutely terrified of being alone, most of the time, for good reason. But at the same time, to assure that I was not jut becoming completely dependant on the occupation of social-life, I've spent a lot of time on my own and started to ease myself back into indulging in what used to make me happy, before... maybe...grade seven... when motivation started to disintegrate. My best friend finally gaveme a bit of a 'fucking shut up you need to get help slash I love you' thing the other day. It was truly kind of weird. You can be so close to someone for a while, and then start only seeing eachother at social events, and you gethit by the fact that you don't really take eachother's emotions as seriously anymore, especially if there is little time. And then wham. Anyway.
The point is, it could just be that I'm mildly insane and intensely bi-polar, but I haven't had a cigarette (which I definitely have to start cutting down on... like woah) since about 3:30 and, as much as you probably assume this rarely happens, I haven't internally exploded quite yet. But as I may have just gotten some healthy person's hopes up, I think I deserve one now...
Well it's Friday night so I should really get the hell out of my empty house.
Oh. My friend and I heard this cover on the radio the other day, which is actually on some soundtracks so forgive me for feeling like it was a random gift from God, but I don't know, it's really nice and happy but when you need it to, it also seems to encourage depression and nostalgia if the mood if right, you know, but it's really pretty. Give it a listen if you're as bored as I am.
Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wonderful World -Israel Kamakawiwo’ole
Love for those who need it
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SOOOoo I'm at Masha's. This will most definitely be a ditzy short update entry.I have writing on my back like 'sluts lick all' and 'sorry addy' and 'punk'd'and all this shit.BSC shitfaces wrote all over me in permanent marker,and apparently I had some crazy russian headpiece on my.
I think I was just out cold by 2. All this abuse and I didn't even flinch. Last night was just so one of those nights. So I woke up to having nothing I came with, money and everything was gone. We found my bag but that didn't get me very far. It's not too hard to guess who took the smokes and money. I'm supposed to be doing my photo exam right now... I can't believe how many years of this life I have left... I don't really want em sometimes. But now I'm stuck in the music..
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Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
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It rained today.
The sun made a few feeble appearances but they were instantly stolen by dark clouds.
I really have to start going to school again. But now it's done, I mean now I just go in for the exams, and then it's done.
Nothing I have done in the entire past nine months was remotely thought out or intelligent.
The suffering caused by ignoring your superego is indescribable.
It's time to fix that.
Starting with going out now to take some photos to make up for terrible class procrastination.
I've lost every shred of motivation in me.
And I've disgustingly become the ultimate chainsmoker.
Some people are actually just bad people.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 9:57 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. |
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Everything happens for a reason??
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Her identity, autonomy so vulnerable and shakable
Incapable- A soul can be so oftenly mistakable
Invasive is her pursuasive act while stability is fakable
Let your scattered mind remind and find that her heart is young and breakable.
Well this weekend was ultimately not amazing in the way of exciting times, but there were no handcuffs, hospitals or intensely out of control house parties chez moi, so I can thank higher power for something. I crashed at Tyler's and somehow woke up at 9. The basement was air-conditioned, but that fact was somewhat cancelled out by the leather couch. So I lay on my couch for hours thinking about life, which got boring so I forced myself back to sleep. I came here to do work, but that isn't getting done because I am (like everyone else in the world with an excuse) a huge procrastinator.
and I'm pretty such fakable is not a real word.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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And she swore she'd never do those things. But here she is now, lacking the tiniest morsel of food in her feeble,unmotivated body. Passing lights of a desperate night glow in the shiny glaze worn by her eyes. Headphones on, emotions are amplified by eight dollar white wine, mouth of the bottle lodged in her sickly throat. The sight of pain is unavoidable. In a bus seat whose view once showed better days, she glances to the right and receives the punishment of giving yourself away. Arm around the girl from before, the one she was once above, darting to the left she tries to escape but a vivid window reflection stabs her with the glimpse of his awkward subtle kiss on the lips of the bait. Quick but effective. There is no passion, no feeling, only intoxication, sexual attraction with a hint of vengeance. Because despite one's holy ignorance, love falls in the face hate. The immense pleasure one can get out of hurting someone, acknowledging the simplicity of it all. Well it didn't go without success, she hopes he got a good fucking boost outta that one, for one second had not even passed before she tightened her grip on the barber scissors from the conveniently ready location, and conformed once again to the typical teenage trend of self destruction. Little did she know that at the end of the night, this would put her in a hospital, handcuffed and helpless.
To say the least, things got worse.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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You know, it would really be nice if I could believe I had any talent to express certain feelings , any feelings,, in some shape or form, but instead, I at least have the privilege to indulge in others' expression of ones that are ridiculously similar. Whether they're any good or not, at least they're getting it all out. Lucky fucks. Realize how lucky you all are. I need a hobby.
Dry Your Eyes
In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet
Chorus
Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over
So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers
Chorus
And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’
Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna fuckin’, just fuckin’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away
Chorus
I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away
Chorus
So it's Thursday, I'm drunk, I'm planning onn staying in tomorrow to pack, but really I guess to kick back and not be at school. I really did work kind of hard ths week. I don't know if this is completey coherent and proper of english, but the point is, I did work hard. I ran off and then made myself come back to do that Anthro thing, which was presented today, and I think it really did go well. EVeryone did a fairly good job. I was actually surprised. It went really smoothly. Uhh yeah... I write in this thing too much these days. I'm uncool I guess. Or I just cn't remember how to write on paper anymore and feel remotely fulfilled. My mom just bought me a rose. That;s sweet. We're not doing amazingly right now. ANyway she's doing that drunken talk to me thing again so I should go. Peace.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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I'm so tired. I'm so tired and I'm SO TIRED of EVERYTHING. I just need to fucking scream at the top of my lungs until I am completely incapable of ever again inhaling-- I am in such a bad mood it's ridiculous. I can't believe the way things just keep getting more unbelievable and I have to pack up my house and see all the things I don't want to see and the things I don't want to move, they shouldn't have to move, they've been there forever. I don't want to see things with memories. Just stop piling things onto me. I mean I wish I wasn't fucking like this. I just want to stay. And I just wanted everything to stay. I just want to stop doing the stupid shit that I promised myself long ago I would NEVER do. I JUST WANT IT ALL TO STOP. I don't even know how it all started. I really don't... I guess it's not worth getting into. I'm not good at novels. I'm not good at period.
This weekend was just fucked. At most points it was just fucked. I just fucked myself up real bad on Saturday night, for the most part in my head, along with some big party and some kids who got booked, my house getting kind of fucked, and a long weekend of I don't even knowif I should want to remember. I don't know what I would have done if I were alone. Toronto cops are just so bloody mean. And I am just so fucking stupid. This weekend seemed kind of good. I'm so confused. I'm just going to pass all of my courses, move into my new house and be a different person.
It was actually kind of funny I had to run off from my family last night and ended up forcing myself to come back only so that I could do an Anthro project at 3 in the morning. That's dedication right there, Heather, you crazy bitch. I'm not even looking forward to this year ending. Sooner or later I'll be older than fifteen, and I'll quickly become old and grow more and more bitter. It's not something I am looking forward to. Nope. See you when I'm old, bitches.
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And that's the last time we will ever speak, probably.
"No problem": the last words I ever say to somebody I have
been reasonably close to before our lives take different
directions. Weird, eh? You spend Christmas at somebody's house,
you worry about their operations, you give them hugs and
kisses and flowers, you see them in their dressing gown...
and then, bang, that's it. Gone forever. And sooner or later
there will be another mum, another Christmas, more varicose
veins. They're all the same. Only the addresses, and the
colours of the dressing gown, change.
-Rob, HIGH FIDELITY (Nick Hornby)
It's funny when all you want to do is make yourself read a new book, start a new thing, a different day, and you pick up the one you read a year ago... or something. Those weird rotations. It's like an annual mental thing, that comes the way a girl menstruates, but less predictable and often. It's a seasonal thing for me, I think. I mean I find myself listening to the seriously pathetic mix CD I made exactly a year ago. Mind you I also find myself wishing to crawl into bed with my mum in the middle of the night and asking her to fix it. Make it better. Do you ever get that helpless, child-like, 'I need someone to fix it' feeling, because I guess you need that maternal figure to depend on when you get that feeling like everything is gone. I don't know, I haven't gotten it in about a decade. I recently want to fall and scrape my knee at 3am so that I can go and ask her to find me a band-aid or something.
So my family has suddenly (and yet finally, as if I never quite expected it to happen, and required a firm warning sign of some sort) began to take my house apart and pack. I'll be in a new house after eight years in about two weeks. It's completely terrifying and the worst time of the year and world to do it. I'm not sure when I can register enough to even pick up the clothes off my floor, let alone take apart what has been so messily organized for my entire, conscious more-than-an-infant life.
from pancakes and orange juice
to shirley temples and fries
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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buryme_withit's journal
sick.
optimistic.
high.
creative.
drunk.
full.